Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?
This Book Is A Great Guide To Help With Many Of Life's Problems
Dr Julie Smith is quite a prominent figure on social media, appearing on numerous podcasts such as The Diary Of A CEO and Deep Dive With Ali Abdaal. In addition to this, Dr Smith also produces short form content where she shares her expertise in psychology in a practical way. This book takes this one step further.
In Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before, Dr Smith delves into many of the problems that plague modern society. Through the use of psychological tools and lenses, Dr Smith reveals why we experience low mood, low motivation, anxiety, self doubt, fear, and provides practical ways that we can overcome these obstacles in a healthy manner.
This is a fantastic book filled with valuable information. Be sure to keep reading for my key three lessons.
Lesson 1: Confidence
“To build confidence, go where you have none”, says Dr Smith.
Confidence is the opposite of being comfortable. To develop confidence you need to dive into the unknown waters.
Dr Smith says that the first step to building confidence is courage. Leave your comfort zone and enter your stretch zone.
Allow your limits to be pushed and challenge yourself.
Dr Smith adds to this by saying:
“The only way confidence can grow is when we are willing to be without it.”
If you want to become better at public speaking, you must practice speaking publicly. The first few times may be terrifying, and it is these first few repetitions that require courage. Then as you start to feel more comfortable, you will develop confidence.
Dr Smith also touches on the pitfalls of using positive affirmations, which is popular on social media.
The trouble with saying “I am confident” in the mirror after brushing your teeth is that you may not have the evidence to support what you are saying.
Therefore you may not truly believe it, rendering the exercise pointless.
Take action to build evidence that you can lean into.
A great way to do this is to make a list of situations you want to be confident in, with the most vulnerable at the top. For example this could be giving a speech at a dinner party.
Then write down variations of that situation that become easier as you go down. So number 2 may be talking to a group of 10 people. Then 5. Then holding a conversation with one person. Then introduce yourself. Then attending the event. Keep going until you get to a task that you can do.
Then tick them off one by one and work your way to the top.
Taking small steps of courage will help to build your confidence and you will have evidence for the next big scary step.
Lesson 2: Not Everything Is Fact
We can be guilty of believing everything we feel and think as fact.
But in reality, our brain is just making a best guess of the situation.
Let's say you fail an exam. You may start thinking that you are not good enough, never going to go anywhere in life, you are a failure, and there is no point in trying again at anything.
None of these are facts. It may be a case of you didn't prepare well enough, something you can easily correct next time. Or maybe you didn't sleep well which affected your performance. Or it may just not be your thing, in which case there are loads of other things you can try.
When negative thoughts enter our mind, Dr Smith suggests creating distance. You can do this by talking to a friend, writing the thoughts down, or even adding words such as “I am noticing/thinking/having the thought that” at the start.
The same can be said for our emotions, they come and go. They are not fixed.
“Emotions are your brain's attempt to explain and attach meaning to what is going on in your body and mind”, says Dr Smith.
Instead of pushing your emotions away or letting them consume you, be curious about them. Why do you feel this way and what caused it?
Your emotions can provide you with information, not the full picture.
Lesson 3 : Motivation
The key to motivation is action.
Motivation is a sensation that comes and goes. Waiting for motivation to hit you before starting anything could leave you waiting for days.
Dr Smith says a great way to generate motivation is to move your body. This doesn't mean going for a 10 mile run or an intense gym session. Just go for a walk around the block.
Do something you enjoy and make it fun.
Another way is to stay connected with your goal. Are your actions in line with the person you want to be and are they helping you reach your goal?
If not, ask yourself why.
Are you getting distracted or scared of failing? Dr Smith explains how to overcome both of these obstacles in the book.
When you get an urge, act in the opposite way. If you feel yourself reaching for your phone, be aware of it and change your actions. Instead grab a book. Don’t be a slave to your emotions but make decisions based on your values.
If your goal is to become healthier, reaching for a chocolate bar would be an emotional urge but swappin that for an apple would be a value based choice.
Don't wait for motivation to hit, tale steps to generate it yourself.
Conclusion
This is a fantastic book filled with more valuable information than I can fit in this blog post. I would highly recommend giving this a read and even using it as a guide, only going to each section as and when you need assistance.