What Is Toxic Compassion?
Are we more compelled to appear to be doing good rather than actually doing good?
Chris Williamson describes this as:
“The prioritisation of short term emotional comfort over long term outcomes. It optimises for appearing to do good, rather than actually doing good.”
It is the idea that we tell people what we think they want to hear. We avoid uncomfortable conversations in the hope that we are seen to be doing the right thing rather than actually doing the right thing.
I think this is a really interesting idea that we need to be wary of.
Long Term Loss
Toxic compassion leads to a long term loss.
We can think we are being compassionate in the moment, but are we really being supportive?
Is not telling your friends that they need to work on themselves and that their habits are destructive really being understanding and compassionate, or is it creating a long term problem?
Chris uses the example of electronics and children. He says:
“Parents would sooner allow children to play computer games or watch screens and access social media every night rather than deal with the discomfort of taking it away from them. Even if it ruins their brain development, social skills, and self-esteem.”
This is not to say parents are deliberately doing this. I doubt any parent would intentionally harm their child’s development (and I am sure Chris is also saying this). But is the short term win leading to a long term loss?
Simon Sinek also touches upon this when discussing honesty. He says honesty does not have to be in the moment, you can give your honest opinion after the emotion of the situation has died down.
But you must still be honest as that is the most compassionate thing to do. Lying to not hurt their feelings can send them down a path of wrong choices and delusion.
Don't sacrifice long term wins for short term emotional comfort.
Status
I also wanted to touch on the idea of how status can play into this through Will Storr’s revelation of the virtue and prestige games we play.
As Chris says, in the modern age of social media and the internet we care more about appearing to be doing good rather than actually doing good.
We act moralistic and push out this image of ourselves that isn't always true. We act in a virtuous way, playing a virtue status game, in return for prestige.
By acting in the way we think other players of the game want us to act, we are rewarded with respect, a good reputation, and prestige. It can even add into a success game with more people choosing to follow and support you based on these virtues.
Our reward for appearing good is far greater than actually doing good.
This isn’t to say that you cannot do both. You can appear to do good and actually do it as well, but you should primarily focus on the latter.
If you do, a less fragile reward of status will come your way.
The Final Word
To be authentic your thoughts, words, and actions need to be aligned. Toxic compassion sacrifices long term wins for short term emotional comfort. Some people would rather appear to be a good friend than have a difficult conversation and support them through it. Think of your actions as long term consequences.